Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

What could have been my life:

1. Married at 20 before I even graduated to my university boyfriend and pregnant in the next month (because teenagers are horny). Ending up as a single mother in less than a year because he cheated on me with someone on campus.

2. Married at 24 to an abusive guy who absolutely refused to hold a job for longer than his breath and ending up being a cash cow for his clan.

3. Married at 28 to my best friend who was also a self-confessed polyamorist and living with racist in-laws who think I'm not worthy of their precious son because I'm from a different race. Oh, and probably will be divorced in a year as well when I catch him in bed with other women.

I don't like to relive the past but Marquis de Melancholia arrived unannounced and definitely uninvited recently, perhaps triggered by the fact that I am feeling a tad exhausted, physically and mentally lately. Waiter, a pitcher of margarita, pronto!

The sadist Marquis came to life when I recently squeezed a trip home in between work trips so I could spend some time with the fam. The first question that Grandma dearest asked me when I walked into the house was, "Did you bring anyone with you?".

-_____________-"

If all I ever wanted to achieve in life was marriage, I would have done it more than ten years ago (ok now you know exactly how old I am hahaha dammit).

But it wouldn't be right for me, not just because the men I dated in that period had questionable qualities, but also because I had some growing up to do.  

Even when I'm considerably grown up now (both mentally and physically..if I was a country singer you can call me Girth Brooks for my stubborn love handles), I still couldn't get married to a human being AND a job at the same time. 

However, I would consider marriage for purely legal reasons. Like getting a green card to Amurrica.

Ok just kidding.

There's more to life than taking a man's last name as yours.

Catch 32

Some time ago I decided that I probably would never have kids. Even before I made this decision I knew earlier on that if I ever wanted to have any offspring, it would be within a traditional family model: with two parents involved, because I don't think I can pull off single parenthood well. Since I am doing really well in the dating department (I honestly can't remember the last time I had a date and am actually relieved not to go through bad dates or be stood up on the first date any more), I probably will remain single and fabulous till I die. So I thought I'd cross off kids from the bucket list and move on with my life.

Till I gained a nephew, thanks to my brother. 

Now every time I visit my family, I try to spend every free moment babysitting the infant and then spamming every poor soul who's a close friend or colleague with photos of me holding him and grinning like an idiot. One of my colleagues even said he looks like me *beams proudly like an annoying auntie hahaha*

I'll be honest here: my nephew makes me long for motherhood. Maybe I've inhaled too much baby powder.

But I am in no position to raise a child at this moment, even if I do decide to adopt or go down the turkey baster route (eeeek). I am fully cognizant of the fact that I am neither financially nor mentally prepared to raise a child alone.

This dilemma over motherhood reminds me of a scene from Sex and the City's S06E15, aptly titled Catch 38, when Carrie (who was 38) said:

"....if I really wanted to have a baby, wouldn't I have tried to have one by now? I wanted to be a writer; I made myself a writer. I want a ridiculously extravagant pair of shoes; I find a way to buy them."

I don't exactly have a list of notable accomplishments like getting a PhD, discovering the cure to AIDS and saving orphans from a burning orphanage, but what I have achieved so far is pretty okay if I may say so myself. I wanted to be an educator, and I did that for a few years. I wanted to work for a global brand, and I did that with three brands. I wanted to be a copywriter in advertising, and I did that after getting rejected by so many ad agencies. Outside of work, I wanted to have a house with my name on the title, and I did that when I was 25.

My point is, if I really wanted something badly, I'd go all the way to get it.

So if I had really wanted a baby, wouldn't I already have one by now?

It's a Catch 32.

What a Hell of a Year! :)

Hello, 2015.

I was relieved to finally get 2014 over and done with. It has been a year of many shocks and surprises, with plenty of growth filtering in through the cracks after the pressure is gone.

The not-so-good:

1. For the first time in my life I did not have stable employment.
2. Obi, an abandoned dog that my friend Cyn adopted from our old office, died in February.
3.  Snoopy, the dog I adopted from a friend in 2008 died in early April. Cried for weeks. He was like a child to me. 
4. My grandmother had a terrible stroke in late April.
5. I injured my knee while lifting my grandmother in the hospital (guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was hahaha).
6. Had to limp for almost a month. Also swore off stairs.
7. Had the worst job interview in human history with a Japanese company director (my friends had no sympathy; they found it comedy gold instead hahaha).
8. Had a tenant from hell who only paid outstanding rent and utilities after my lawyer sent a letter.
9. Had to shut down our company when my friend and partner decided to pursue another opportunity.
10. Had to leave my beloved apartment and PJ to move for a new job.
11. Was so homesick the first month I was in KK.
12. Missing Unifi, my friends and old haunts in PJ (hello, dearest darling IKEA! Oh how I've missed you!).

 The good:

1. Quit a draining job. I was losing sleep, weight and even hair!
2. Because I was "unemployed", I could come home to see my family for the first time in almost a year.
3. Became a freelance writer, a long-life dream finally realised.
4. Started a company with my best friend; it was good while it lasted.
5. Learned how to sew using the sewing machine.
6. Became a part-time tailor after learning how to sew.
7. Tailored my own four-panel floor-length heavy brocade curtains. Woot!
8. Sewed a green toga from scratch for a company dinner.
9. Got hired for the job of a lifetime: doing communications for a global non-profit.
10. Moved across the South China Sea for the new job with almost nothing in my pockets and without a home too. #crazy
11. Stayed at a backpackers' hostel for the first time while looking at houses in KK.
12. Started working out again after getting clearance from my doc for the stupid knee.
13. Trained self to like oatmeal for breakfast (it tastes better cooked than kept overnight in fridge).
14. Trained self to eat HUGE salads for lunch almost every day.
15. Hosted a junk-food-free Christmas for the family.

I was also single for most of the year but I can't say that it's a good or a bad thing hahaha. I did feel lonely sometimes but it's better to be single than be in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, no?

So what's next for 2015?

1. Fix my finances

My finances got derailed because I was unemployed for four months last year. I aim to pay off my credit card debt this year and sell off my house in Kuching. 

2. Run!

I want to clock at least 10 mins/km this year. Still contemplating running in the 10km run at Borneo International Marathon because I have a work trip that ends a day before the run. 

Before Christmas derailed me (excuses!) I was actually training three times a week. Now I want to do six, because I don't think I am pushing my body enough. 

3. Me, myself, and the Island of the Gods

An overdue solo trip! Looking forward to a week of culinary delights, sescapes, drinks at sundown, and also arts and crafts.

4. Get ready to go to school

I'd like to get my Master's degree (finally eh?) sometime in 2017 via a scholarship. 

Just four goals this year, which perhaps is a tad unambitious compared to the year I turned 30, when I had 30 goals (and actually achieved 18, I think).

I hope 2015 will be kinder to all of us :)

The Geek Goddess

Kotobian Tadau Tagazo Do Kaamatan and Gayu Guru Gerai Nyamai!

Sa..dua...tiga..empat...lima...enam...tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuujuh! 

Selamat ngintu ari Gawai ngagai bala kita ti bisi maca blog tu. Gayu guru gerai nyamai, lantang senang nguan menua. Anang guai ngabang enda pala agi sebening, enggai ke bebadi ba jalai alun. Ooooohaaaa!

Sia juga mo bilang Kotobian Tadau Tagazo Do Kaamatan sama kamurang urang-urang Sabah. Pelan-pelan kalo moginum ah. Aramaiti! *pardon my rusty Bahasa Sabah hehe*

Folks in Sabah will celebrate Kaamatan, the yearly Harvest Festival, on 31 May, followed by a celebration of similar purpose across the state lines in Sarawak called Gawai Dayak on 1 June (although we start partying the night before hehe).

I typically take one week off from work to fly home and celebrate Gawai with my family. This is because I would first have to fly to Kuching, spend one to two days there, and then travel to my mother's rural hometown.

However I have been missing Gawai for two years in a row now due to work. Last year, it was because the boss wouldn't let me take leave (she's a Singaporean so she didn't particularly have the mental capacity to process the significance of Gawai). As for this year, I recently went home in the second week of May, and flew back to Red Henna City after two weeks.  

So much has happened since early April. Let me do a recap:

1. I decided to leave my job

I honestly loved the work I do, creating marketing content for multiple mediums. Most of my colleagues were fun to work with as well.

However, after much consideration, I had to accept the fact that the company culture was not a great fit for me. It was heavily Sino-centric, with Mandarin and Cantonese being the official languages in company events and meetings. 

As a writer, I rely on words to process meanings and it was very frustrating to attend something conducted in a language you barely know, let alone understand. Very often I had to steal a colleague to be my translator, denying them the chance to fully be immersed in the event, and having to do this never failed to make me feel like an invalid.

There were also other reasons why I left that I would rather not mention here.

2. My grandmother had a stroke, so I flew home

"Nenek is in the hospital", texted my sister on 27 April.

I swear my heart stopped beating at that exact moment. 

Later on, I found out that she had suffered a mini stroke at home, while seated during tea. Luckily she was not alone during the attack.

When I called my parents afterwards, both of them tried to sound normal on the phone, retreating into their protective mode, so as not to worry me. They had done this many times before, such as when Nenek had a nasty fall last year, or when they got into a car accident. I know they mean well, but no matter where I am, I am still family and deserve the right to know, goddammit!

They realised that their cover was blown when I asked upfront about Nenek.  

Nenek was immobile and had a feeding tube inserted, hence she needed round-the-clock care. Dad became the designated driver and stayed at home to do the chores. Everyone else (save for one horrid, selfish person who shall not be named and shamed here) looked after Nenek in shifts. 

I flew home a week after she was admitted into the hospital as I had an interview two days prior. Because I was not working, I would take the week night shifts as the rest had work or school during the day and needed their sleep. In return, they would sacrifice their off days and weekends to be at Nenek's side so I can get some shut-eye. Some of us even pulled 24-hour shifts because we didn't have enough manpower.

The day I flew home, I actually had a high fever (worst trip ever hahaha) and self-medicated while at KLIA2 (Panadol, multivitamins, Tiger Balm, Clarinase, and a mountain of tissues) so I could be well when I touched down. Un-fucking-fortunately, the fever ended up overstaying its welcome (never welcomed to begin with anyway) and I had it for one whole damn week due to lack of sleep.

Nenek's appetite had improved after the feeding tube was removed, and she slowly regained about 75% use of her right arm. My sister and I resorted to many things (including smuggling in my sister's tiny B&W TV hahaha) to keep her entertained and awake during the day, so that she could return to her normal sleeping cycle. Since admitted to the hospital, she had been sleeping all day due to boredom and then stayed awake all night. 

After her morning bath and breakfast, we would carry her to her chair for physiotherapy. Then we'd let her listen to the Iban Radio broadcast on our phones, watch aeroplanes and birds go by, let her watch Hawaii Five-0 (she loves cop dramas), and even let her browse through our phones to see photos of our dogs and family members. We also insisted that she have her meals on her own while seated there. 

Nenek was finally discharged after three weeks of staying at Le Château de Hôpital. At the time of writing, she is still unable to walk on her own, and had to hold on to something when she stands up. My parents decided to take her home to the longhouse for Gawai despite her immobility, hoping that the festivities and catching up with our relatives would cheer her up and motivate her to start walking.

Throughout her ordeal, Nenek never stopped praying for recovery. A devout Christian, I would catch her mumbling a prayer a few times a day. To be honest, I don't think I'd be able to show faith as strong as hers if I was in her shoes. I'd probably start drinking gin and tonic every day hahaha.

3. Behold, the spanking new KLIA2

I flew to Kuching 5 days after the new airport was open for business. Skybus only started operating from 9 May onwards to and from KLIA2, so I took a cab to KL Sentral, and then boarded the KLIA Express. 

The new airport is actually a huge shopping mall with an airport attached, almost like an afterthought. Plenty of the shops were still under renovation. One of the things I love about it is AIR-CONDITIONING, something that LCCT severely lacked. In fact, an American friend who was visiting years ago was shocked to see that our low-cost terminal looked like a huge barn!

KLIA2 had stationed many helpful staff to help with enquiries, but I really don't appreciate trekking for miles just to reach the boarding hall. They also need to put up more signages, especially for places that are hidden away from the main flow of foot traffic. 

The bus counter was located in a corner with no huge signs, and while there maybe 10 counters in place, only a few were open and the staff really took their time to process bookings. 

Security was tighter than when I last flew. We were asked to take out all of electronic devices and place them in a tray (previously we could leave them in bags for the scan). We were also asked to take off our belts and watches.

4. Aboard Malindo Air

I boarded Malinda Air for the first time during my trip home. Was pleasantly surprised to discover huge legroom, a TV screen, and light refreshments served onboard despite being a low-cost airline. We had a rough landing though.

Little did I know that things would be worse during my trip back to KL via the same airline. In KIA, the airline shared the boarding hall with another airline flying earlier than us and bound for Indonesia, so we weren't allowed to sit there until they had boarded their plane. 

When it was time to board and our plane was not even in sight yet, I asked the ground staff if we were going to be delayed, but she confidently said that we would leave in time.

What a liar.

Our flight ended up delayed by more than an hour, without any announcements, or even apologies from the captain or any of the crew. I had planned to take the 6.30pm Skybus to 1Utama so that I would be home before 10pm. Since I arrived way later than that, I took the 8.30 Aerobus to KL Sentral, then hopped into a cab to go home. I got home close to midnight.

5. In the midst of all the chaos, I co-founded a software company

As someone whose career has spanned more than eight years now, I am blessed to be able to cross off a few things on my bucket list:

a) Be an educator - done!

b) Work for a non-profit - done!

c) Work for a global brand - done twice!

d) Work in advertising - done twice!

e) Be a writer - done!

f) Start my own company - RECENTLY DONE! :)

My friend (and sometimes arch nemesis lol) Mickey and I have known each other for more than five years. We've always wanted to collaborate professionally as we knew our different personalities, knowledge and set of skills were actually complementary. I have worked with many software engineers before, and he is, by far, THE BEST amongst all of them. We both love tech, and while I can't code from scratch (he can), I am *ahem* great with people and I also have marketing experience. 

We finally started operations for RedBean Software in early May, although the groundwork was actually laid a few months before. We kicked off the process by having many frank discussions about the direction of the company, what our roles would be, and the kind of products and services to offer, amongst other things. 

In the end, we decided to offer software consultancy and a range of customised products such as mobile apps, desktop software and web/cloud solutions for businesses. Our first breakthrough came when a potential client issued an RFP, before our company even had a logo! Unfortunately the project didn't go through as they decided to do it internally.

Since returning from Kuching, both of us have been busy fine-tuning the RedBean Software brand before launching our presence online: the company website, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and Google+. 

RedBean Software is our dream come true, and I couldn't ask for a better business partner. :)

Kotobian Tadau Tagazo Do Kaamatan and Selamat Ngintu Gawai Dayak, everyone!

Cheers,

The Geek Goddess

I Still Need You

I took you in when you were barely a month old. It was October 2008. It was a new chapter for both of us: I had just moved in to a new house, and you found a new family: me.

You used to cry at night looking for your mum, waking up the entire neighbourhood. You ended up sleeping in a box next to my bed.

I used to bundle you up in a towel near me for warmth and we would watch TV together after dinner. 

Housebreaking you required me dragging us both out of bed at 6 in the morning for your breakfast and then for you to relieve yourself. Once you slipped into the neighbour's lawn while I was trying to stay awake, waiting for you to poop. Your escape attempt successfully kept me up. 

You also had a thing for rolled up clothes, so I got you a little ball to play with. You hated it though. Never even touched it.

In 2009, I had to leave you with Mummy and Daddy to go to work. It broke my heart. I thought of you every day, almost always with guilt. I felt as if I had abandoned you.

But you flourished despite my absence. From a cute puppy, you grew up to be a very huge and playful dog. Everyone at home loved you. How could they not? You were friendly and kind and loving to everyone you met.

Whenever I flew home, I knew you'd be waiting at the gate. I knew you'd pounce the minute the car door was open, and that getting from the car into the house required the obligatory waltz with you.

Whenever I called home, I'd always ask about the three of you, things like how is Bulan doing, where is Bonnie, and what on earth is Snoopy loudly barking at?

I'd give anything to hear you bark again.

Today, while at work, my heart broke again when Mummy told me you had left us. The vet couldn't save you last night, she said. 

Did you know Mummy couldn't focus on work after that phone call? My entire life I had never seen her cry but she did today, while showing everyone photos of you in her phone.

I tried hard not to cry at work, because I knew no one at work would understand. 

I was mad....no, I was furious at God for not listening to our prayers for you to heal. I know it was selfish, but I prayed for Him to please not take you away so soon, because we still need you.

I still need you.

Snoopy at a few months' old