Catch 32

Some time ago I decided that I probably would never have kids. Even before I made this decision I knew earlier on that if I ever wanted to have any offspring, it would be within a traditional family model: with two parents involved, because I don't think I can pull off single parenthood well. Since I am doing really well in the dating department (I honestly can't remember the last time I had a date and am actually relieved not to go through bad dates or be stood up on the first date any more), I probably will remain single and fabulous till I die. So I thought I'd cross off kids from the bucket list and move on with my life.

Till I gained a nephew, thanks to my brother. 

Now every time I visit my family, I try to spend every free moment babysitting the infant and then spamming every poor soul who's a close friend or colleague with photos of me holding him and grinning like an idiot. One of my colleagues even said he looks like me *beams proudly like an annoying auntie hahaha*

I'll be honest here: my nephew makes me long for motherhood. Maybe I've inhaled too much baby powder.

But I am in no position to raise a child at this moment, even if I do decide to adopt or go down the turkey baster route (eeeek). I am fully cognizant of the fact that I am neither financially nor mentally prepared to raise a child alone.

This dilemma over motherhood reminds me of a scene from Sex and the City's S06E15, aptly titled Catch 38, when Carrie (who was 38) said:

"....if I really wanted to have a baby, wouldn't I have tried to have one by now? I wanted to be a writer; I made myself a writer. I want a ridiculously extravagant pair of shoes; I find a way to buy them."

I don't exactly have a list of notable accomplishments like getting a PhD, discovering the cure to AIDS and saving orphans from a burning orphanage, but what I have achieved so far is pretty okay if I may say so myself. I wanted to be an educator, and I did that for a few years. I wanted to work for a global brand, and I did that with three brands. I wanted to be a copywriter in advertising, and I did that after getting rejected by so many ad agencies. Outside of work, I wanted to have a house with my name on the title, and I did that when I was 25.

My point is, if I really wanted something badly, I'd go all the way to get it.

So if I had really wanted a baby, wouldn't I already have one by now?

It's a Catch 32.