To Love At All Is To Be Vulnerable

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For the past few months or so, I've been having my heart slowly broken over misaligned expectations. Today, after much contemplation, I've decided to finally put a stop to it. I won't go into the details though, because there are always two sides to a story, and it would be delusional to think that I can write about them without a grain of bias.

We enter a new relationship with hopes and dreams and sometimes emotional baggage. We're willing to be vulnerable, to wear our hearts and dreams on emotional placards for all to see, in order to let someone new into our lives, and eventually, into our hearts, hoping that they won't get turned off by our lifelong collection of quirks and die-hard habits.

Like everything I've ever wanted in life, I gave this my best shot. I offered to travel to see him, I cleared my schedule whenever he's in town, and I looked forward to promised calls and texts, never letting my phone out of my sight during the appointed hour. I offered my ears and shoulders in good times and bad times, always rooting for him to be triumphant in all his personal battles. I humbly and sincerely apologised whenever I erred, and every day I worked to be a better person because he, along with every beloved person I have in my life, deserved the best version of me.

I did the best I could, even when there were signs that this was never meant to be.

I had naively hoped that this time, after so many failed relationships, countless bad dates, lengthy late night calls to girlfriends, and rolls of damp tissues, that perhaps, he could finally be the one I would spend the rest of my life with. My parents have been married for the past 34 years, anchoring each other whenever the waves of this sea called Life threaten to drown one of them. I wanted the same thing for myself, for us. 

You can find many online "manuals" on how to deal with heartbreak, but trust me when I say, all the tips in the world won't make it hurt less. You can re-decorate your home, get a new haircut, maybe even take a trip around the world alone, hoping fervently that these distractions can drown the memories you created together. But I know I'll think of him, with a dull ache in my heart, whenever I pass by the places we visited together, whenever I indulge in his favourite dishes, and whenever someone wearing a similar scent to his walks past me.

But one day, this too shall pass, and I'll be ready to be vulnerable again.

Geek Goddess