40 Before 40

Wow..it's almost December, eh? Time really flies.

Last night I went on a second and last date with an out-of-towner (who was also the second person I went on a date with in all of 2015 - because single, straight and interesting men are like invisible ninjas in KK). Anyway, one of the things we spoke about was bucket lists. 

You know, a list of things to do before we kick the bucket.

I told him that I did a 30 Before 30 list the year I turned 29, and managed to achieve 18 goals out of 30. To be honest, none of them were really that ambitious, because I know that a goal has to be realistic.

Earlier this year, I also wrote about some goals...none of which I have accomplished yet hahaha.

Anyway, here is my attempt at 40 Before 40 bucket list, which I aim to review every birthday month and also at year's end. I might tweak things along the way, so my current state of mind as I write this is "oh what the hell just write that shit down and figure it out later" hahahaha!

Work (5)

1. Get promoted.

2. Get seconded to a foreign country, hopefully in Europe.

3. Get sponsored by the organisation to do my PhD.

4. Get on a helicopter.

5. Cycle to work (not in Malaysia, of course..I don't want to end up as roadkill sheesh).

Skills (8)

1. Learn how to swim (and not drown in the process!).

2. Master Photoshop (I only know Gimpshop hahaha).

3. Learn how to edit videos.

4. Get my PhD.

5. Master a foreign language.

6. Get a diving licence.

7. Study/attend a course overseas.

8. Learn basic car maintenance and repairs...like how to change the engine oil.

Finance (4)

1. Pay off credit card debt (and stop using the card for shopping!)

2. Sell my house.

3. Pay off car loan.

4. Pay off study loan.

Travel (15)

1. Visit Singapore Zoo.

2. Travel to a foreign country alone.

3. Visit Bali.

4. Write travel pieces.

5. Visit Iceland.

6. Visit Italy.

7. Visit Sweden.

8. Visit the Netherlands.

9. Visit Sri Lanka again.

10. Visit the UK.

11. Experience winter.

12. Experience autumn.

13. Visit Labuan...just for the heck of it.

14. Travel to space (hahaha so ambitious but hey, why not?).

15. Visit Hawaii.

Nest (5)

1. Rent a little apartment.

2. Have a pet.

3. Get a house plant and try not to murder it.

4. Have a garden/collection of potted herbs.

5. Have at least one IKEA furniture (currently there are no IKEA stores in East Malaysia wtf and I sold off most of my IKEA stuff when I moved to this wretched place KK).

Miscellaneous goals (3)

1. Volunteer at SPCA.

2. Run 10 mins/km.

3. Get a gym membership and actually use it. 

Well that's it folks...40 stuff to do within the next eight years. Oh and yes I didn't bother putting marriage or children in the menu because I've been dating since I was 20 and 12 years later I am still single so trying to find a life partner is a useless and frustrating endeavour, really. 

Besides, I already have a niece and a nephew (my nephew actually is a spitting image of me), so those are (sort of) my kids too hahaha.

As for my date, he was an awesome guy, so I know he won't have any problems getting a date any time he wants to. Wish there are more men like him in KK, because KK is currently where single dateless women become crazy cat ladies you embrace being a single and independent woman ;)

Across Dreamlands

Let me make a confession: I cannot write a poem to save my life. Nope. I may be brilliant at many things (some of which can be quite useless), but penning poetry is not one of them.

However, I do have friends blessed with the power of poetry. One of them, Lara, just self-published a collection of poems titled "Across Dreamlands". I've gotten my copy since a few days ago but have decided to save it for my weekend reading.

I also sent a copy of "Across Dreamlands" (Lara, if you ever read this, can I just say that your book's title is sooooooooooooooo cool? Hehe) to another poet friend of mine, Ksatriya. I've been horrible at remembering his birthday for the past few years now (it's in October...or November?) so I thought this year I'd get a headstart and send it to him before MY birthday hahaha. 

Anyway, if you're interested in getting a copy of "Across Dreamlands, you can get in touch with the poet herself on Twitter.

Another poet I'd like to mention here is Sara Bareilles. I know, I know..you probably know her as a singer-songwriter, but plenty of her songs are pure poetry.

Case in point: Cassiopeia. Lyrics below:

Come in close now it's time to tell the story

Long ago, and so many years before we

Ever were, ever dreamed we even could be

There was her and her very first heartbeat

All alone in a corner of the night sky

Spiral bones of a supernova starlight

Fell in love with another burning bright

She dreamed of a way to ignite she said

Tonight

Come on, come on collide

Break me to pieces I

I think you're just like heaven

Why, come on, come on collide

Let's see what a fire feels like

I bet it's just like heaven

Just like heaven

Just like heaven

Such a shame nowhere near even a near miss

Light years away from the hope of being sun-kissed

Anchored home in her interstellar sea but

Poor lonely Cassiopeia

So she sighs and she burns with desperation

Learns to cry over love of constellations

Then a spark from a star shooting too close

They both smiled "What a day to explode"

She said

Tonight

Come on, come on collide

Break me to pieces I

I think you're just like heaven

Why, come on, come on collide

Let's see what a fire feels like

I bet it's just like heaven

Just like heaven

Just like heaven

Long ago in a sky built before us

A supernova grew up to be stardust 

I've been on a space-ish kind of mood since Pluto sent us some selfies, so I've been watching Interstellar and Gravity all over again. I've always wanted to go to space, and even wrote "astronaut" on my residential school application form as my ambition. However, Dad erased it and asked me to write something more realistic. If I remember correctly, he said "Malaysia will never send an astronaut, let alone a female one". Twenty years later, his words still ring true (and no, Dr S. is NOT an astronaut).

Maybe one day I'll get to travel across dreamlands, take a selfie with Pluto, and send it to my Dad. 

Now wouldn't that be something?

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

What could have been my life:

1. Married at 20 before I even graduated to my university boyfriend and pregnant in the next month (because teenagers are horny). Ending up as a single mother in less than a year because he cheated on me with someone on campus.

2. Married at 24 to an abusive guy who absolutely refused to hold a job for longer than his breath and ending up being a cash cow for his clan.

3. Married at 28 to my best friend who was also a self-confessed polyamorist and living with racist in-laws who think I'm not worthy of their precious son because I'm from a different race. Oh, and probably will be divorced in a year as well when I catch him in bed with other women.

I don't like to relive the past but Marquis de Melancholia arrived unannounced and definitely uninvited recently, perhaps triggered by the fact that I am feeling a tad exhausted, physically and mentally lately. Waiter, a pitcher of margarita, pronto!

The sadist Marquis came to life when I recently squeezed a trip home in between work trips so I could spend some time with the fam. The first question that Grandma dearest asked me when I walked into the house was, "Did you bring anyone with you?".

-_____________-"

If all I ever wanted to achieve in life was marriage, I would have done it more than ten years ago (ok now you know exactly how old I am hahaha dammit).

But it wouldn't be right for me, not just because the men I dated in that period had questionable qualities, but also because I had some growing up to do.  

Even when I'm considerably grown up now (both mentally and physically..if I was a country singer you can call me Girth Brooks for my stubborn love handles), I still couldn't get married to a human being AND a job at the same time. 

However, I would consider marriage for purely legal reasons. Like getting a green card to Amurrica.

Ok just kidding.

There's more to life than taking a man's last name as yours.

Catch 32

Some time ago I decided that I probably would never have kids. Even before I made this decision I knew earlier on that if I ever wanted to have any offspring, it would be within a traditional family model: with two parents involved, because I don't think I can pull off single parenthood well. Since I am doing really well in the dating department (I honestly can't remember the last time I had a date and am actually relieved not to go through bad dates or be stood up on the first date any more), I probably will remain single and fabulous till I die. So I thought I'd cross off kids from the bucket list and move on with my life.

Till I gained a nephew, thanks to my brother. 

Now every time I visit my family, I try to spend every free moment babysitting the infant and then spamming every poor soul who's a close friend or colleague with photos of me holding him and grinning like an idiot. One of my colleagues even said he looks like me *beams proudly like an annoying auntie hahaha*

I'll be honest here: my nephew makes me long for motherhood. Maybe I've inhaled too much baby powder.

But I am in no position to raise a child at this moment, even if I do decide to adopt or go down the turkey baster route (eeeek). I am fully cognizant of the fact that I am neither financially nor mentally prepared to raise a child alone.

This dilemma over motherhood reminds me of a scene from Sex and the City's S06E15, aptly titled Catch 38, when Carrie (who was 38) said:

"....if I really wanted to have a baby, wouldn't I have tried to have one by now? I wanted to be a writer; I made myself a writer. I want a ridiculously extravagant pair of shoes; I find a way to buy them."

I don't exactly have a list of notable accomplishments like getting a PhD, discovering the cure to AIDS and saving orphans from a burning orphanage, but what I have achieved so far is pretty okay if I may say so myself. I wanted to be an educator, and I did that for a few years. I wanted to work for a global brand, and I did that with three brands. I wanted to be a copywriter in advertising, and I did that after getting rejected by so many ad agencies. Outside of work, I wanted to have a house with my name on the title, and I did that when I was 25.

My point is, if I really wanted something badly, I'd go all the way to get it.

So if I had really wanted a baby, wouldn't I already have one by now?

It's a Catch 32.

They're In Love, Where Am I?

It's just one of those nights when you suddenly feel completely and stupidly sappy...and then you'll feel completely silly afterwards hahaha.

Also, I *think* I can carry off this tune in the shower without breaking the mirror.....or my neighbour's faith in mankind.

No Soulmate? Not a Problem!

Source

Positively A Scientist

                                                                 

I don't believe in blind faith. If I'm supposed to believe in something, or that something exists, then it better comes packaged with irrefutable evidence and facts. 

I know that absence of proof does not mean proof of absence, in which case it is actually an opportunity for us to do more research to find the truth. 

Why am I bringing this up? Well, last night a new friend asked me about religion:

"Are you a Christian?"

"No."

"What about your dad? Is he a Christian?"

"Nope. He's actually not a fan of churches."

"What about your mum? Is she a Christian?"

"Oh yes she is. And she's REALLY religious."

"Then that makes you a Christian too."

Wait what? o_O

Last time I checked, Christianity was not included in my inheritance (actually, I have no inheritance. My parents aren't exactly the Vanderbilts of Borneo, but you get what I mean, no?).

I'm not an atheist. After years of soul-searching and tonnes of Catholic guilt, I've decided that I'm just an agnostic. What that means is that I can't tell you that God exists or not, because hey, I don't know. 

Sometimes it seems ridiculous how some people like to out-religion each other. I won't mention examples here, but you can find them anywhere..except maybe not much in Sarawak and Sabah (because we're peace-loving hippie islanders bahahaha).

Rather than argue about who is more religious amongst us, it would be better to be the best person you can be, to be as kind as possible to everyone who crosses your path, and to value all the good things in your life, while learning from the terrible ones.......and not because you think that there are heavenly rewards waiting for you, but because these are the decent things to do. Being positive has also been scientifically proven to help you build skills, boost your health, and also improve your work performance.

Why don't we all do that instead, eh?

Tripping to Tiny Tenom

Not a fan of that wretched novel series, let alone the movie......but I am CRAZY about this song, which is featured in the soundtrack. It's one of those songs that you can listen to over and over and over again.

Of course, I abso-fucking-lutely love Ellie Goulding. Such a talented lass. And she runs too! :)

Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, yesterday (Saturday) I went on a long solo drive, covering 300 km on the following route:

Penampang-Tambunan-Keningau-Tenom-Keningau-Kimanis-Papar-Putatan-Penampang

It all began with a phone call at noon to my friend Pali:

"Dude, I'm itching for a scenic drive.Where can I go to that's not too far and I can return by 4pm?"

He suggested Tenom, a tiny town famous for its coffee, which is about two hours' away.

"The easiest route would be to go through Putatan, followed by Papar and Kimanis. Turn left at the Kimanis roundabout near the Sabah Oil and Gas Terminal and from then on it's just straight all the way to Tenom".

Of course, being an idiot with zero sense of direction adventurer, I took the longer route instead. Since I was already in Donggongon town in Penampang, I decided to just go to Tenom from there. Because...........reasons.  

So that's how the ridiculously hilly roads of Tambunan got added into the itinerary and why I only got home at 8pm.

Manic March has been really taxing on me (and it's only been a week!) so it was either I drown myself in junk food while glueing myself to the telly or I drive to see new places instead. Pali was supposed to join me but bailed at the very last second because he had a booty call at noon surprise visitor as he was getting ready to leave the house. Hmph.

Driving long-distance amidst greenery dotted with villages (or in the case of Sabah, a Catholic church every five metres lol) is one of the nicest ways to relax. Maybe it's the Iban wanderlust in me that's responsible for this habit. Or maybe it's the bi-annual long drives to our longhouse for as long as I can remember, so much so that it's been ingrained in me. I guess you can take the girl out of Sarawak, but you can't take Sarawak and her instincts to travel out of her. 

I had wanted to be home before it got too dark so I only stopped at Tambunan, Tenom and Dimie Pedalaman Resort, Kimanis for quick pit stops to refuel etc. Didn't manage to stop at any of these local attractions:

Tambunan: Rafflesia Forest Reserve

Keningau: The Oath Stone

Tenom: Murut Cultural Centre

One of the highlights of this trip was experiencing my first gravity hill on the Keningau-Kimanis highway. I thought I was going downhill (which means that my car would roll faster on its own) but I experienced a decrease in speed instead because I was actually going UPHILL. It's a confusing optical illusion caused by the layouts of that stretch of road's surroundings.

The view in front of Dimie Pedalaman Resort, KM 16, Keningau-Kimanis Highway (supposedly the steepest highway in Malaysia).

I'm sorry that I didn't take many photos. It was an ad hoc trip so I didn't bring my digital camera with me (the built-in one in my Asus Zenfone 4 is a joke, save for the panorama function). On my way to Tenom, I did make a stop somewhere along on the quiet Tambunan road to take a photo of the undulating emerald peaks, but before I could snap a panoramic shot, I received a stupid phone call in which the caller just refused.to.hang.the.fuck.up. Then while on the phone, two men on a motorcycle arrived. Call it paranoia or self-preservation, but when I saw them stop a few metres away from me, I unceremoniously disconnected the call, ran as fast as I could towards my car (imagine a fat duck waddling on the side of the road if you will), and then locked myself in before driving off. 

If there's one thing that I've learnt from travelling solo all these years, it's that you can never be too careful. Which explains why there's a baseball bat in my car. 

But that's a story for another day.

♪ Love me like you do..love love love me like you do...♫

Fucking Fabulous

- A (fierce!) piece inspired by Valentine's Day -

Dear soulmate,

I have waited for you all my life. Maybe you don't exist, just like Santa (sorry, kids). Maybe you're bad at Google Maps and can't seem to find me. Maybe I should be sent to a loony bin for hallucinating writers.

I have been actively searching for you for the past 12 years, and my well-meaning friends have been actively telling me that this is the wrong thing to do. That I should just let "it" happen. In my case, "it" and "nothing" seem interchangeable. And with friends like these, who needs a.......I kid, I kid. I do love my friends (in case any of them are reading this).

Anyway, like everything else that I ever desired, I did my best to find you. I dated countless men, some who were downright terrible because at that time I didn't know any better about dating or even about myself. I've tried meeting men organically, bravely put up profiles on dating sites showing the thinner side of my face like Mariah Carey does (you're lovely, Mimi, but the jig is up). I even tried speed dating! By now I have enough dating experience under my faux leather belt that I could probably write a book about it and make plenty of simoleons ala JK Rowling.

More than a decade has passed since the first time I gave my heart to a man. I know myself better now. Unlike before, I know I am loveworthy, and that I will not tolerate bullshit from anyone. 

It has been 12 long years and you still haven't appeared in my life. And yet my life is pretty awesome now. I sincerely think that I am actually the luckiest girl alive. I have all that matters; a roof over my head, enough meals a day, a job that kicks ass, family and friends...Maslow would say that I have done a good job fulfilling all of my needs.

Speaking about needs, here's the thing: I don't need you. But I do want a great man to share a life with. My stupid sappy heart keeps believing that you exist, and that you are looking for me too, not because you need me, but because you want me in your life.

Sometimes you appear in my dreams, and though in them I could never see your face, but I feel loved by you. I could feel the warmth radiating from you as if it was real and not just a dream. My optimistic brain tells me that you are smart, kind, strong, and patient. Every molecule in my body believes that you exist.

So why aren't you here yet?

I've asked myself that question many times and I could never answer it. Some people in my life ask me that question too. After 12 years, I am running out of jokes to gently brush them off instead of pushing them off a cliff so that the sharks below can have a happy meal.

Maybe some things are meant to be mysteries. Maybe you don't exist and I am destined to be alone. Maybe for a millisecond I am just feeling a wee bit shitty about being single on that one awful day when the entire world seems hell bent on showing off that they have bloody soulmates.

Well screw them. Understand this: while it would be good for you to finally turn up, if you don't, I will be fine. In fact, I will be more than just fine. 

I will be fucking FABULOUS.

Single and (Dating) the City

Do you remember that scene from Interstellar, when Anne Hathaway had landed at a planet that was livable, but she's all alone?

I feel like that sometimes. Except that this livable planet I'm in is actually inhabited by other Homo sapiens. Overpopulated even.

I've been in this city for five months now. It also means that I've gone five months without dating. It's beginning to feel like a long-running comedy gag, with me occasionally joking to friends that if I make it to a year, I'd check into a nearby convent. Might as well be there since the possibility of finding dates there are nun. #pun #ohsoclever #lame

A friend once told me that dating is a numbers game. The higher your frequency of dating, the higher your chances of meeting someone who's right for you. The thing is, I can't even get a first date in this city!

I'll be honest; I am somewhat picky, but only sensibly so. I look forward to meeting intelligent, funny, and kind guys who can speak my first language fluently. When I told a local friend here about this, she told me, "You can't find any local guy here who can tick all those boxes". No wonder those who match highly with me on a dating website are all foreigners from Farawayville, whom I may also never meet. Yay!

In moments of weakness (especially on weekends when the entire city goes on dates except for me), I sometimes question my judgement in moving to the city of no available decent men. The other day, I jokingly told my colleague that the women in our office (where 90% of the staff are single females) are like Sumatran rhinos: seemingly no chance in hell to meet available men organically. 

Moving here hasn't been easy; though I have the best job in the world, outside of work I haven't found much to keep my plate full and interesting. I guess I'm missing the comforts of my old world. Or perhaps I haven't given this city a fair chance to show me what it has in store for me. 

Maybe I should just date the city, like Carrie Bradshaw.

What a Hell of a Year! :)

Hello, 2015.

I was relieved to finally get 2014 over and done with. It has been a year of many shocks and surprises, with plenty of growth filtering in through the cracks after the pressure is gone.

The not-so-good:

1. For the first time in my life I did not have stable employment.
2. Obi, an abandoned dog that my friend Cyn adopted from our old office, died in February.
3.  Snoopy, the dog I adopted from a friend in 2008 died in early April. Cried for weeks. He was like a child to me. 
4. My grandmother had a terrible stroke in late April.
5. I injured my knee while lifting my grandmother in the hospital (guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was hahaha).
6. Had to limp for almost a month. Also swore off stairs.
7. Had the worst job interview in human history with a Japanese company director (my friends had no sympathy; they found it comedy gold instead hahaha).
8. Had a tenant from hell who only paid outstanding rent and utilities after my lawyer sent a letter.
9. Had to shut down our company when my friend and partner decided to pursue another opportunity.
10. Had to leave my beloved apartment and PJ to move for a new job.
11. Was so homesick the first month I was in KK.
12. Missing Unifi, my friends and old haunts in PJ (hello, dearest darling IKEA! Oh how I've missed you!).

 The good:

1. Quit a draining job. I was losing sleep, weight and even hair!
2. Because I was "unemployed", I could come home to see my family for the first time in almost a year.
3. Became a freelance writer, a long-life dream finally realised.
4. Started a company with my best friend; it was good while it lasted.
5. Learned how to sew using the sewing machine.
6. Became a part-time tailor after learning how to sew.
7. Tailored my own four-panel floor-length heavy brocade curtains. Woot!
8. Sewed a green toga from scratch for a company dinner.
9. Got hired for the job of a lifetime: doing communications for a global non-profit.
10. Moved across the South China Sea for the new job with almost nothing in my pockets and without a home too. #crazy
11. Stayed at a backpackers' hostel for the first time while looking at houses in KK.
12. Started working out again after getting clearance from my doc for the stupid knee.
13. Trained self to like oatmeal for breakfast (it tastes better cooked than kept overnight in fridge).
14. Trained self to eat HUGE salads for lunch almost every day.
15. Hosted a junk-food-free Christmas for the family.

I was also single for most of the year but I can't say that it's a good or a bad thing hahaha. I did feel lonely sometimes but it's better to be single than be in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, no?

So what's next for 2015?

1. Fix my finances

My finances got derailed because I was unemployed for four months last year. I aim to pay off my credit card debt this year and sell off my house in Kuching. 

2. Run!

I want to clock at least 10 mins/km this year. Still contemplating running in the 10km run at Borneo International Marathon because I have a work trip that ends a day before the run. 

Before Christmas derailed me (excuses!) I was actually training three times a week. Now I want to do six, because I don't think I am pushing my body enough. 

3. Me, myself, and the Island of the Gods

An overdue solo trip! Looking forward to a week of culinary delights, sescapes, drinks at sundown, and also arts and crafts.

4. Get ready to go to school

I'd like to get my Master's degree (finally eh?) sometime in 2017 via a scholarship. 

Just four goals this year, which perhaps is a tad unambitious compared to the year I turned 30, when I had 30 goals (and actually achieved 18, I think).

I hope 2015 will be kinder to all of us :)

The Geek Goddess